George W. Bush (AKA Monkey Boy, Boobus Selectus, Murder Monkey, The Chimp, Shrub, The Decider, Dubya, W, George The Lesser): Considered by many to be the current US president, Bush was selected mainly as an empty vassal to head the Republican presidential ticket in 2000. He was selected despite significant impediments, including a record of three arrests, regulatory difficulties with the Securities and Exchange Commission and a conviction for drunk driving. The unsuccessful campaign resulted in his installation via Supreme Court order during the Coup of 2000. Bush is arguably as culpable as anyone in the commission of numerous offenses during his term, including war crimes. Evidence seems to suggest, however, that chronic substance abuse and mental impairment may render a successful prosecution impossible. There appears to be a seemingly endless flow of information strongly suggesting diminished capacity. It is unclear if his current impairment is a symptom of ongoing substance abuse, or the result of decades of unabated consumption of drugs and alcohol. It has been suggested in certain circles that Bush's public exhibitions of bewilderment, confusion and inappropriate behavior are merely a ruse intended to lay the groundwork for a defense of diminished capacity. Other reliable sources insist Bush is actually suffering from mild dementia, likely brought about by Korsakoff's syndrome. Additional information is being developed in anticipation of future war crimes trials. Bill O'Reilly (AKA Falafel Warrior): O'Reilly currently hosts a top rated entertainment program on the FOX network where various State sponsored miscreants and demagogues are provided with a stage from which they can spew their pro-regime propaganda. O'Reilly's act is to portray himself as a mildly angry everyman with whom his specific audience readily identifies. Careful care is given to craft and maintain an image of evenhandedness. In addition to his pro-regime efforts, one of O'Reilly's favorite causes is seeking enhanced legislation for the prosecution of sex offenders. This is particularly interesting in light of verified, credible accusations of sexual molestation made by a former O'Reilly staffer, Andrea Mackris. These allegations led to a multi-million dollar settlement made by O'Reilly to the victim of his sexual peculiarities. Nevertheless, his campaign against other sex offenders seems to be received favorably by his audience. O'Reilly is an important avenue for the government to further its misinformation efforts. False, misleading and deceptive information is routinely disseminated to his TV, print and radio audiences. O'Reilly has willingly proven himself to be a loyal regime associate. His obedient efforts on their behalf are expected to continue, absent evidence of further sexual molestation or other criminal activity. Clarence Thomas: Selected by Bush Senior for a slot on the Supreme Court, Thomas' nomination was nearly sunk before it began. Credible allegations of sexual harassment began to surface with the testimony of Anita Hill. Despite threats and intimidation, Hill stuck with her story and Thomas' televised confirmation hearing was filled with explicit sexual detail. Thomas was alleged to have asked Hill, "Who put that pubic hair on my can of Coke?" Observers were left with little doubt that Thomas had repeatedly perjured himself. Although Bush claimed Thomas was selected "not because he is Black, but because he is most qualified," Thomas has come to be universally regarded as one of the intellectually weakest and perhaps most ill-suited justice to sit on the Court. He rarely asks questions during cases and is known to simply follow the lead of his intellectual mentor on the Court, Antonin Scalia. Thomas' appointment is commonly viewed as "cynical" in that he was selected to fill a vacancy left by a Black justice, but was an outspoken opponent of minority causes. Thomas was a lifelong recipient of benefits under various affirmative action programs, yet constantly ruled against these types of programs. He is generally considered to be a classic self-hating Black. This along with his intellectual shortcomings causes him to be viewed as perhaps the worst justice in the court's history. Samuel Alito (AKA Sam A-Lie-Toe): Alito was tapped for the Supreme Court immediately after the failed and highly irregular nomination of Harriet Myers. Alito was a long-time BCF operative who had headed the corrupt rogue Newark , NJ's US attorney's office where Michael Chertoff served as his first assistant. Alito's unfailing allegiance to the regime was ultimately rewarded with a promotion up the judicial-corporate ladder to the Third Circuit Court of Appeals in Philadelphia. Alito served loyally on the appellate court and was able to enrich himself with his ruling on the Vanguard Case. Alito had previously promised to recuse himself from this matter because of the blatant appearance of impropriety. Nevertheless, he failed to do so and ultimately ruled in Vanguard's (and Alito's) favor. Alito is a career ideologue who has time and again proven himself to be a loyal member of the regime. He was all but assured his place on the Supreme Court long before the vacancy became available. By the time his installation on the bench became a reality, it was a mere formality. Despite a fair amount of evidence suggesting prior improprieties which was made available to the Senate Judiciary Committee, the nomination was never in serious jeopardy. Alito's blind obedience to the regime is a threat to freedom and individual rights. He can consistently be counted on to further the interests of the State wherever afforded an opportunity. His legal opinions follow a very predictable trend in that they routinely side with the State and against the rights of individuals. He is a major enemy of free people throughout the world and should remain closely monitored. Grover Norquist: Norquist may be best known for his oft-quoted desire to "drown the federal government in a bathtub," but in reality he is a key player behind the regime installed via the 2000 Coup. He is viewed by many as one of the most influential people in Washington. Norquist has been relatively quiet since the revelations coming from the Jack Abramoff scandal. Norquist and Abramoff have apparently been close friends since college. Norquist also had close ties to the disgraced David Safavian. Norquist has close ties to a variety of conservative causes and has greatly increased his standing with the installation of the current regime. While not a household name, he is a very powerful behind the scene player. Lately he has taken up the cause of abolishing the estate tax, likening it to the Holocaust. Ann Coulter: Alleged best-selling author and frequent guest on conservative talk shows, Coulter's personal life hardly mirrors her public persona. Here we have a dominatrix-type unmarried woman in her mid-40's who espouses the importance of "family" values. Add to this mix the gay men with whom she is frequently seen and one comes away with a puzzling picture of a person seemingly in conflict with themselves. The books Coulter "writes" are popular with conservative book clubs which no doubt account for her best-selling status. It would be interesting to know how many of those books are actually read or how many even make it out of the cartons in which they are shipped. Regardless, Coulter has become a Kathy Lee Gifford of sorts in that she is a woman people love to hate. Her television appearances typically include her poorly-reasoned, borderline racist rants which for the most part go unchallenged by fawning conservative hosts. Nevertheless, her psychotic ramblings are high in entertainment value and she remains a sought after guest, mainly on the FOX network. Many feel she is best watched on TV with the sound off, allowing the viewer to better focus on her semi-insane body language. If you can get past the false and misleading commentary, Coulter is truly highly entertaining and figures to remain a fan favorite for at least the immediate future. John Bolton: Update: December, 2006 Bolton's recess appointment ends. Realizing the futility of sending his name to the new Congress for appointment, Bolton's acerbic tenure an the UN mercifully concludes. Ambassador Bolton is an unusually divisive figure in that his nomination to serve as US ambassador to the UN failed to be ratified by what had been to that point a rubber-stamp congress. It took a recess appointment by George W. Bush to secure his position. Bolton is perhaps best known for his frequent fits of anger aimed at subordinates and having forced his ex-wife to participate in "swingers' parties" at New York City's legendary swing club, Plato's Retreat. His temperament was frequently cited in his failed confirmation hearings and he was more than once referred to as a "serial abuser." Prior to being appointed to his post at the UN, Bolton had publicly stated his disdain for the world body. It is widely believed that the erosion in relations with North Korea is a direct result of Bolton's appointment. Bolton's on-the-record comments about North Korea have generally been viewed as counter-productive, much like George Bush's citing their membership in a non-existent alliance, the "Axis of Evil." Bolton's real job at the UN is to sabotage Middle East peace efforts before they can gain any traction and in general, to further the interests of the military industrial complex by fanning the flames of unrest wherever possible. He is about as much of a diplomat as George Bush is a statesman. His status after the expiration of the recess term remains unclear. Sean Hannity: Housepainter/handyman turned arch-conservative talk show host, Hannity currently hosts a popular show on the FOX network where he is paired with house "liberal," Alan Colmes. Hannity trots out nightly to parrot the regime's daily talking points and faithfully advance their arguments wherever possible. Hannity's lack of formal education and poor cognitive abilities help make his nightly rants highly entertaining. Unfortunately, much of his audience mistakes this form of entertainment for news. The demographics of FOX's audience likely contribute to this result. The net effect is that his relatively uneducated audience continues to deprive themselves of a credible news source. Unlike traditional conservative commentators, Hannity is a mere shill for the regime and will likely never abandon his efforts at justifying their criminal acts. Rather than adjust to the realities of a new political landscape, Hannity will likely just go down with the ship. This level of commitment suggests that Hannity may be more than a mere shill and could in fact be an actual operative of the BCF. William "Bill" Bennett (AKA Mr. Virtues): Bennett is an author, commentator and frequently seen shill for the BCF. He espouses the benefits of minding one's morality while pondering the benefits of aborting black babies and blowing millions on high-stake slot machines. Bennett was one of the most vocal critics of Clinton during his impeachment proceedings, citing his lack of moral authority. The criminal activities of the current regime have elicited no such criticism. Bennett's gambling addiction seems to have been largely dismissed by his followers. It is interesting to note that unlike players who lose at games of skill like blackjack, slot players are viewed as "suckers" in the gaming sub-culture. The game requires no skill other than pulling a handle and simply pays-out a predetermined percentage of what is put into the machine. The odds are squarely and irrevocably against the player. Nevertheless, Mr. Virtues has reportedly blown over seven million dollars while writing books espousing moral clarity. While this apparent hypocrisy has diminished his standing in the political arena, he is still a sought-after speaker on the conservative circuit. Outside of his group of loyal devotees, he is mostly viewed as a clown and has lost much of whatever credibility he may have had. Tom DeLay (AKA The Hammer): Disgraced former congressional whip earned his nickname for his ability to forcefully carry-out orders from the BCF and enforce them on other members of congress, often against their wishes. Prior to being elected to congress, DeLay was a pest exterminator. It is believed that his desire to legalize DDT and other toxic substances led to his getting into politics. He supposedly harbored a deep dislike for the federal government because of its prohibitions against using these banned substances. Delay was one of the founders of the K Street Project, a vehicle to pressure lobbying firms and reward loyal lobbyists. K Street evolved into a giant slush fund where DeLay rewarded BCF loyalists with large sums of cash. The Clinton impeachment thrust DeLay into the national spotlight as he became one of the most vocal critics of President Clinton. He was also one of the driving forces behind the Terri Schiavo debacle which saw GW Bush cut short a vacation in order to fly back to Washington and "save" Ms. Schiavo. Unfortunately, she was already brain-dead despite a diagnosis to the contrary made by Senator Bill Frist via videotape. DeLay may be best remembered for his successful effort to redraw Texas' congressional districts. This blatant gerrymandering resulted in a net gain of congressional seats for Texas Republicans. The BCF was so indebted to DeLay for these efforts that it continued to support him even after his 2005 indictment for violating state campaign finance laws. Ultimately, this indictment forced DeLay to withdraw from the race for reelection and resign his position in congress. DeLay also emerged as a central figure in the Jack Abramoff scandal in which Indian tribes were extorted and robbed. DeLay was once caught smoking while in a prohibited area. He was admonished with a reminder that there is no smoking allowed on federal government property. DeLay roared back, "I am the federal government!" While anecdotal, this offers a pretty good insight into the mindset of the termite man from Texas. Rush Limbaugh (AKA Pills): Rush Limbaugh is an immeasurably successful radio personality who is credited by many for revolutionizing talk radio. On air, he portrays a sort of ordinary angry white male seeking to cure society of its obvious injustices. Limbaugh weaves his various observations around a central theme of supporting far-right political candidates. Despite his conservative persona, Limbaugh's personal life has a distinctly different flavor. He is an admitted drug addict and has had 3 or 4 wives, depending upon who you ask. It is interesting to note that his calls for drug users to be given harsh sentences were often made while he was under the influence of the powerful narcotic, OxyContin. Besides being a tremendous radio talent, Limbaugh also possesses a keen sense of where his market lies. Targeting a largely under-educated, unsophisticated audience, he successfully peddles his often drug-addled rants as "news." Limbaugh's efforts on their behalf have made him a favorite of far-right candidates who recognize the power he wields via his audience. It is often asserted that the radio show follows a rough outline or uses talking points submitted directly from the Republican National Committee. Limbaugh had a brief fling with his admitted true passion, sports broadcasting. Despite his far right image, he was given a much-coveted job by ABC/ESPN as a Monday Night Football broadcaster. His stint lasted about two weeks because of racist comments aimed at Philadelphia Eagles quarterback, Donovan McNabb. Limbaugh continues spewing highly entertaining rants on his radio program. His ongoing battle with prescription medication recently saw him detained for possessing Viagra without a proper prescription. The Viagra was in his possession as he returned from the Dominican Republic, a nation often associated with child prostitution. While his personal behavior continues to be wildly disparate from his radio persona, his audience remains loyal and largely believing.